I’m still alive. I’m processing some of the things I share on her. It’s very ermmm interesting.
Author: mrvandetta
A deadly thought
Sinking feeling in my chest
I question my existence
Why am I here and who actually cares
If I end it now will anyone even shed a tear
Feeling alone, with no place I feel home
How long do I give myself pep talks
How long do I keep listening to inspiring speakers
It’s a vicious circle and I always end up back here
It feels like this is how it’s suppose to be
Feeling alone, no one to love
No one I can call my own
I jump on Google to find a way to end this
But all it comes back with is who I call for help
I’m past talking, I’m past trying
These support centres don’t work
I still feel alone
How should I do it?
It’s hard to choose
I want quick and painless
No time to regret
Blade to the wrist
Knife to the heart
Noose round the neck
Bullet in my brain
Perhaps crash the car
Or leap from a bridge
Euthanasia isn’t an option
For those mentally ill
If it was medically terminal
There is options galore
But what they forget
Is this isnt a mind state
It’s a serious thing
We live with it,
it’s terminal this thing
The dog
The small pitter patter of feet
The feel of a wet muzzle
Nudging my back
I roll over and give her a scratch
She nudges me more
I scratch her some more
This love, this bond, is deep
She heads for the door
A bit like e-ore
damn dang, it’s not love
She just wants out to pee
A Goodnight Poem
Laying in bed
I’m thinking about you
Your beauty, your charm
Holding you in my arms
The feel of your lips
When we sneak a quick kiss
Deep down in my heart
It’s falling apart
It’s breaking in pieces,
And falling for you
I don’t know why
But I’m a jealous guy
I want you for me
Not somebody else
I care for you
Like nobody else
Come cavern or mountain
Don’t let it keep us apart
Your spirit is free
Needing a home
Someone to hold you
When you feel alone
You are unique
Far different to me
But that’s part of love
The freedom to be
Share your thoughts with me
Dating an older friend of Mines daughter who is also the ex girlfriend of one of my employees, her and I are similar in age?
Past, present, future
What is my past, where is my present and what will my future be?
This is a question I ask myself all the time, after several years of being inactive on here, through trials and challenges.
Though my past has impacted who I am, if I can let this go in my present, I can move into my future with freedom.
I can’t change my past, but I can accept it and let it go, and I can embrace my future and create a new me.
I can use my past to help others, but to do so I need to not let my past return to me.
Me and my Vendettas
Only a quick post tonight, I’ve been working through a lot of personal issues (I have way too many to be healthy for me) and something I have come to realize is that I have a lot of Vendettas against people, particularly people in churches.
Reasons? Usually because I have had a disagreement with them on something and they have come out with winning the argument and I’m too stubborn to accept that my way isn’t the only way.
So in my brief thought’s today, don’t let personal vendettas come between you and something great. A lot of my career development depends upon work I do in church’s as church’s are the biggest market in my industry.
23, Lonely, And I think I’m happy
Dear World,
Tonight I write to you with thoughts of Paris on my mind, With thoughts for Lebanon, With thoughts of relationships come, relationships gone. Dreams Achieved, and Dreams lost, plans completed, plans pushed of the list, possibilities having become impossible, and on the odd occasion the impossible becoming the possible.
Yes world, There is a lot on my mind tonight. There are many many things on my mind that I do not understand.
What created the want in someones mind to take the lives of innocent people? What created the want to attack countries based on their beliefs.
Do these suicide bombers get a feeling of heroism as they prepare to detonate and take peoples lives? Are they trying to win medals like many men won in the first and second world war for sacrificing their lives to save others? Are they after a bravery award? It’s like these suicide bombers have forgotten that the men who won medals in the war got them for an act of bravery that preserved human life, or life for their country.
In the developed world I can’t see the need for violence, for war or for terror. Isn’t it about time that we all accept our differences and allow each other to live in freedom and in peace? There are more pressing threats out there than ourselves, there is no need to fight. There are issues with the way we are living life that are slowly leading us towards extinction, shouldn’t we be uniting to find a solution for this?
This leads me to the next item pondering on my mind tonight. Relationships come, relationships gone. I’m lonely, but right now I feel happier than I have been in a long time. I’m able to focus on my interests, my passions, living and enjoying the freedom of being single. Not that a good relationship restricts freedom, its the fact that I am able to live my life slightly selfishly. I’m able to do things that I may hesitate to do if I was in a relationship. Yet despite this understanding I have, I still mourn some of the relationships I have lost over the years.
I have only ever loved two women. One when I was 17, The other When I was 19. Neither of these worked out.
The first one the distance and commitments we both had around school and work meant it was the wrong time. Had this been a different time I do believe this would of worked out. I mourn for this love lost regularly. A simple relationship started with meeting on a camp, through me tracking her down through church’s and cafes in Tauranga, When I finally found her and slipped her my phone and said ‘any chance of getting your number’, she willfully entered it into my phone under the name “Evie is Sexy”. Evie if your reading this, I’m sorry I was ready for something serious at the wrong time. I do miss you in my life and would love build a relationship as your friend.
The Second love when I was 19, I met her online and it went from a meet up for coffee to many many nights spent walking by the Waikato River talking about our aspirations, our passions, our plans for life. Where we saw things going, yet I had to ruin this through selfish habits, through my addictions, my lack of respect for women at this time. I mourn for the loss of this daily, I wish I could say I have let this go and moved on, but daily I still hope that I will be able to relight the flame and things will start to grow again. She’s currently one of my best friends, but I would love for this to become more once again.
Tonight I am thankful for dreams achieved. I have finally found my place in the working world, I am currently technical manager for the company I work for, and there is strong prospects of this moving into the opportunity to own a business in the industry of my choice. As every day passes the scope of decisions I am able to make increase. I feel as though my boss is mentoring me getting me ready to take over the business.
Tonight I pay my respects for dreams I have let go, I once had this dream I would move into church leadership, but after several events in my life, I gave up on this dream feeling it was impossible to reach. Sometimes I still wish I could plant a strong and faithful church, however I feel I am no longer the right person for this job.
I am filled with excitement for plans in my future. For example my 2016 Rarotonga holiday where I plan to get my dive certification. I want to pursue a recently found passion for scuba diving.
I think of plans I have cancelled, wondering if I should of followed through with them. For example my plan to return to Las Vegas 5 years ago in pursuit of a girl i took on a date during a four day trip there.
I cry tonight over doors closed, ideas having become impossible through lack of funds, lack of interest from other parties etc etc.
Yet despite crying, tonight I celebrate having overcome hurdles in life from times when I felt like it would be impossible to continue life as it was. Tonight I celebrate prayers answered.
Tonight I ponder on things that aren’t yet over in my mind. Things that perhaps it is time I dealt with and let go of.
World, I choose to talk to you anonymously as I feel safest talking to you this way. I feel that you are there to listen to me talk to you about my ups and downs and tonight I feel I am in the right place being single, despite wishing I could be married with kids.
With much love,
MrVandetta
Life without Facebook – Lost track of the days
A couple of months ago I embarked on a journey to live one month without Facebook, the first 10 days, I blogged regularly and diverted my Facebook addiction to WordPress. After 10 or so days, I went silent. Today I embark to break that silence.
What started out as a struggle, turned into one of the best choices I have ever made, here’s a few reasons why.
- Relationships. Since leaving Facebook and separating myself from what had been creating my perception of the world, life and people around me I was able to start building deeper relationships that really mean something worthwhile
- Sex Drive. I’ve gone from being a raging hetrosexual to a controlled and quiet man. I no longer look at women and think about sex, I look at women and feel an attraction (on some occasions) much greater than sex.
- Health & Fitness. I had time to invest in my health and exercise. So far I have successfully lost 3Kgs and havent yet changed my diet.
- Happiness. Having nothing to compare myself to, no-one to look at and go ‘their life looks great why can’t mine be like that’ has really boosted my mood and I have been alot happier.
I’ve just started checking facebook every couple of days and in all honesty, it’s not that interesting anymore.
mrvandetta 