Sitting in bed, laptop on my knee, my mind is fulled with thoughts and questions. I close my eyes trying to get a break from the busyness of my head. My mind takes this opportunity to change up a gear and my mind fills with more thoughts and questions. I toss, I turn and still I don’t get a break.
What do I have to do to get a break from myself? To clear my mind? I go to the kitchen, there’s wine, there’s spirits, which shall I go with tonight? I’ll take the spirits! I stumble for a glass and carefully drop in some ice and pour some spirits. I like my spirits strong and pure, in half an hour I will get my break.
I stumble back to bed with the glass in my hand, the room starts to go fuzzy, everything starts to go fuzzy, I drift away into a state of numbness and relaxation.
A couple of hours later I wake again, my head pounding but my mind clear. Shes still on my mind, the pain of being alone has returned and is pounding at my chest. I offered her my everything but she wouldn’t take it, and now she’s kicked me in the teeth by chasing another guy. Is it really worth searching for a soul mate? Is the pain, the aches and the emotions worth being turned down time and time again?
I contemplate with the idea of swearing to never date again, of promising myself not to put my heart on the line, locking my emotions away for the day until I can get home each night to put myself to rest.
Living this life being single is horrible, but having my heart broken time and time again is even worse. Everyone promises that “things will get better” but there’s a voice in my head telling me its time I accept that I am destined to be alone. The voice continues on explaining that I can’t put my heart out to be broken again because I won’t cope.
mrvandetta 